i want something i cant have

2008-07-08T23:50:00.002+08:00

love rage

didnt have time to update. more like, i didnt have the mood to do so. these few days, have been, rough to say the least. emotional roller coaster, filled with sadness, pain and anger, jealousy? i have just so much to say, to rant, that i dont know where to start.

im hurting deep inside, though you all do not know. you all think i wanted this? you think i wanted it to come to this? its even harder for me to let go! what the hell, this isnt what i wanted in the first place, just you know, i held on for long. okay, i did, i tried. now you tell me I AM NOT TRYING TO HELP MYSELF? you dont know how much that hurts. every night, i tell myself, to be strong, but my eyes, disobey my every command. my tear stained pillow case):

and you know what, if it makes you feel better, just shout at me. blame me when i was just trying to help. i dont know why you even offered to walk with me when you just wanted to show me how pissed you were with me? you think i wanted this to happen? i want those times again, when we could just share everything, no mysterious cover ups, no i'll tell you later or im not ready. this was never what i wanted. i just wanted to help you all get back, even if its not possible for me.

what makes me so mad, is how you just pull the people i have left away from me. its like you just take pleasure in my pain. but just to let you know, i already hurt, from whatever has happened between all of us so far. so you can stop trying so hard to do so. just take them all one by one, childish, immature, but if it makes you any better than fine.

talked today after commend prac, will, i guess its all MY fault the way things have turned out. its me! ME ME ME. me who went overboard with jokes, me who neglected you all, me who just wasnt good enough. im sorry okay, but i did try. i really did, its okay if you dont believe, but i have to move on.

right now, more than ever, i just need someone to love, care and be good to. i just need someone to be there! and i need someone to love me! i want to feel happy again. just love me, hug me. anything! i want to have someone again. im more alone than ever. i hurt more than you think. all this pain and anger i feel, i hope you all notice, is because deep inside i care for you, or at least cared for you. its a rage, fury or anger, derived from love. i just wished things were how it was 1 month ago(: breezer in the backyard, songs in the lounge, jumping around in a single bed. i just wished it'll be okay for all of us. but i just wished, you all wouldnt hurt me so. why kick a fallen man. he's on the floor already.

give me back the time we had

i'm going home

2008-07-06T14:40:00.004+08:00

i'm going home

this song just speaks so much for me right now. not going to a proper update, i just felt like putting this song up, cause it really shows how i feel now.

"Home"
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

to the place where i belong

2008-07-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

moving on

friday college day event. street market and all. woo fun! super high day. did lotsa random stuff, but it made me happy(: hope it made others too. i wanted so much to share my joy with others, but its becoming so hard. really hard. and i just, i just cant anymore. im sorry. i want you all to be happy, to be happy when i am, and not the other way round. but yeah, its really becoming to hard. i have to learn to let go.

jan ally yuqi huiying and i ran around for the fun challenge. was indeed fun, memories such as these i will definitely take away, and treasure. i just wished we would all remain like that forever. but the best part is, i no longer will be pained, by stuff such as this.

all those small stuff we did together, however small and insignificant, i treasured and looked on as important. i mean, if you all dont feel that its important, its okay really, i just want you all to know how much it all meant to me. those phonecalls, those laughs, those conferences.

well the night was sufficiently fun, ushered for the college day ceremony. had entrance duty and food serving duty, so many cause i was labelled under 'OTHERS'. crapped around with verine and the 30th! so fun, like seeing them in a different light, after selection camp, ltc, and commend pracs. hope to bond with more of them.

went to huiyings house after, though it was meant to be a night of bonding and fun. but, things happened and, well, no, it didnt feel like that. there was a time, a time where, no matter what, no matter when, we would go. just as long as we all would be together, it didnt matter. i miss those times, i want them all back , but look what it has done to us. all trapped in our own individual worlds, at least i know IM trapped.

morning, and i had to go KAP to meet jason, eric and weili to finish council proposal. reported so late, but we managed to get alot done. i shall meet them online soon, to finish up the last bit, and hand it in on time.

went to cousins place for house warming. did the usual eating and talking and watched i am legend. was fun, and then i had a htht with my cell mates. the people i grew up with, felt so good, just unloading everything, all these feelings i had for so long. i felt so close, so belonged again, that i felt happy inside, just knowing no matter what there are people out there. i just wished ALL of them would remain.

well, i just want you all to know. whatever we had, whatever time we spent, all remain in me. and anytime you all ask, i can tell you whatever we went through together. i know that its not your fault, or perhaps it is, i really dont know, but it doesnt matter. i just want you to know, frankly, im tired. i have been trying, trying so hard, to ensure this circle doesnt break. but now, its really, just stretching stretching more and more, and im the rubber band in that circle, absorbing all that stretching. well, i dont want to snap at you all, i dont want to be hurt anymore, i just cant take this. so i'm moving on, im leaving, all this time i want you all to know, ive been bringing you all back, pulling when i had to, tugging even when i couldnt. well the time has come, ive tried all i can and well, its just not working. im really tearing now, as i say this, but i hope someone, somebody will let you know that i fought, i fought really hard. and that i didnt want this. i really just wanted it to all be as it was. selfish of me i know, but yeah, i cannot expect so much from you all, i just wish you all, all the best. and that even if we may not have time to see or meet or whatever, that you all remain in my heart, part of the reason why i smile, i laugh.

<<彩虹>>
哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有的云都跑到我这里

有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
看不见你的笑要我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕会绕
没有理由我也能自己走掉
是我说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

i fought, i fought really hard

2008-07-02T23:49:00.002+08:00

the big messup

"you must be strong, and carry on, cause i know, i dont belong, here in heaven..." this songs just keeps ringing over in my mind. maybe because it sorta represent me right now. in all the decisions i have to make, over my social life, school life and such. i really am at a loss! i dont know who to go to! for some, i know what their answers may be cause they have certain biasness. i just want a truly OBJECTIVE opinion as we learnt in GP today.

school was a brutal torture today. i think i was freaking dulaning the whole day. somehow sitting beside friends didnt even make me feel all that great, though it did help. but yeah, all my confusion, adding the kind of attitudes of the people around me, made further worse my commend prac and the too much thinking! today was bad bad bad. really, i have nothing good to say about today, except maybe the morning skit lol. funny, cute maybe? haha! "HERE ARE YOUR BROWNIES!" lol

well, i just want to encourage all my friends, even as we await more results. please dont worry anymore, whats done is done. so what if they are going to see our parents if we dont hit the promotional mark. its already been done, what matters is what we do from hence forth. so perhaps what we can try and do, is continue to go to school, not dreading the fact you have to receive more results but enjoying it, i mean we HAVE to get through it anyway. hopefully, my being there as well as others will make it better for you all la.

at least i feel council's getting closer. with the many many more adhoc committees like NETS and DNS. hahah then started talking to more council people today. like LINYU! hahaha. played dota with weili and jonathan. hahah glad to know there are so many likeable ppl in council. was afraid i'd be too weird cause im not the serious kind! i have a impt postion in council, more impt than exco, its the joker! i swear i would miss this, if i ever had to leave.

i dont really want to say much things emo. today simply spoke for itself, with my mind in such a whirl. i feel someone has spooned out the contents of my brain and thrown it into a blender on 'high'. how? what a shitty place to be in! what more, there were so many things just bad. that i cannot even remember what im so low about, exactly, its all just one big messup up there.

oh and our class stall for sa street market. woo! the price was too high, so we are winding up operations even before opening! haha minimise losses to the max!

cause i know, i dont belong here with you, in heaven.

leavin'

2008-07-01T23:15:00.002+08:00

leavin'

my right knee is totally busted. killed me during council prac today, especially the end. as usual we had our lonnnnnng practice, while our classmates just laughed at us knowing they could go off 7 hours earlier at 3 30. how i just wish that everyone i know, knows what we are going through right now. haha, then maybe they might come to appreciate student councillors more. i really hope, we are not as see as the segregators. the ones who are above the rest. i really want things to stay the same with all my friends that are in house council, soccer, whatever! just yeah, to be the same, i know its hard.

lectures today, got back MATHS AND CHEM. my worst two subject. both Us as expected. 3 treats collected already haha! but aside from that, im about to make a major decision. my heart and my mind tell me different things. sometimes, i really just want to give in. but yeah, gotta be sure!

so, what to do? i ask you now? how?
im at a loss
stuck
refusing to make a decision
sometimes, i want someone to do it for me
and i know it'll all change
not just cause of them
but yeah, me, and my life.
sometimes, i wished, i was in another place, but can meet the same friends.
i dont like the life im living in now.
i want to leave it
and move on.
moving on? yeah sure, but so many things holding me back. especially all of them. the people i have come to like, love and treasure. what to do i ask you!

and thats just one problem. theres still another! haha. shit why so much problems coming at once. but this one really isnt a real problem. it just concerns my happiness haha! whether or not i really WANT it. i really dont know, im afraid situations and such may screw whatever decision i make. but i know for sure what my heart tells me(:

in any case, this is just a shoutout too ally jan yuqi huiying boonling and amanda! hahhaha THANKS LOTS la. no matter what okay, in my heart, forever. distance can only do so much to our relationship ok. whats distance but a measurement in the world right. we go so much more than that. then theres the s12 people, dont say i leave your out or what. i know leah ALWAYS complaining! frankly, its getting hurtful leh. you know how much we really dont want to be like this. and its making us in a difficult position too, you know how much we wanna just clone ourselves?

i want to bring you to a place, far far away. take it, hold on tight, close your eyes. we're off.

the great balancing act

2008-06-30T22:24:00.004+08:00

the great balancing act

today, was a monday at school. somehow, things around me already feel different. i dare say that my mood today was retarded. swinging around like tarzan on heroin. i just dont know what to expect anymore. so currently having 0 expectations and just living life, as much as i want the happiness, love and belonging.

lectures were uneventful, i got pissed at yuqi for awhile today. but i hope you know its all a joke. deep inside i still love you la. touched or not^^ so cute la, even made jan not talk to her. retarded, and childish? but thats the way to treat someone who IS retarded and childish.

council commendation prac started at 4. ended at 8 plus, thank god it did. hours are so long, we could just die from the exhaustion. but i guess we all know what we were in for when we handed in the yellow forms to become a councillor! i just am thankful there are still so many people to rely on for strength when the going gets tough. gogo 31st!

those feelings i had of losing people are sort of dying now, although i do suffer from it still, accounting for my random mood shifts. i mean i just told myself, that if ever we drifted, theres a reason for that right? so if it really happens, i'll just put it behind me. yup, decided this today. but most importantly, is also to chase your own happiness. if you really want it, go for it, and hold it there. no use sitting back and hope something happens or in another case that nothing will happen to the friendships. you have to make the conscious effort regardless of the busy schedules, love life, church life. whatever. yeah. its just a great seesaw, a great balancing act we all have to do just so we can maintain even any trace of happiness in our lives.

well, i really want to put these feelings behind me and just live to love right now. so many things i want to do, and can do. so much things to live for, so much things to chase for. i want to be able to be there for all of them, especially when they need me, right now at least theres someone that makes me happy, just effortlessly, along with a group of others. think you all know who you are(:

amanda: well i dont really know whats wrong now, maybe you might tell me later. but yeah, cheer up! lifes too short too fast to be spent sad. i learnt this just. really. life's happiness is there for us to chase, to gain. eat ice cream and everything will be okay.

that smile, that laugh, that can erase all my pain away.

believing in yourself

2008-06-29T19:35:00.006+08:00

believing in yourself

today, was routine, to an extent, nothing new. went to church, helped out with the kids again. and after church had leadership meeting. went all the way to MUSTAFA by myself, to get myself a pair of black shoes. I LOST THE PAIR I BOUGHT JUST FOR COMMENDATION. WHAT THE HELL! so yeah, went all the way there cause i heard from cheney that mustafa has cheap formal shoes. wasnt really disappointed, but yeah, im surprised i even dared to go in.

the afternoon was wiled away watching kung fu panda online and playing dota. nothing much to say there. kung fu panda, totally retarded, as usual, it has a moral to learn. like every other pixar animation since, toys story? this ones about BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, and at the same time working as a team. haha so council-ish. "what are some debrief pointers?", familiar?

well, wanted to go out for dinner, but apparently SOMEONE, isnt free. RAHHH! eating ben and jerrys without me somemore. whats this man! got good things must share right.

at least, today wasnt so emo. but as i type this, i begin to reflect and realise how lonely i feel. as much as i can live by myself, and totally be the funny person you all know me to be. somewhere, deep inside, i have a yearning. to be recognised, to be cherished, to be loved. by who, thats another story. but, i just want it, want it so badly, but i know i cant have it. maybe i can, but i wont allow myself to? ah well, i just hope that things continue to look brighter. really looking forward to school now! weekends feel super lonely, maybe aside from church. school days have all the nice people to talk to! jan, ally, yuqi, huiying, amanda and boonling, oh oh and my paes12, and jaes14 HAHA. going to school would SUCK without you people la. i just hope things stay the same, and that i can get what i want too! selfish little me.

the people i have come to love. surprising cause it took so little to do so(: oh and there are more that arent in the picture. this was at united square BEN AND JERRYS.

just give me a little, thats all i ask

its bittersweet

2008-06-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

its bittersweet

okay, my first proper post. before i go into all the deeeeep stuff. lets run through what happened today. okay full day seminar at church till 5pm. felt good at the end, somehow, my life now has direction. i know what i got, i know what i want, i know what to do. (i think xP) then went to watch WANTED with ally jan kayla joan and darren. haha 2 SA ppl and church ppl, damn cute la altogether. thanks to me. well i dont know but the show was funny. haha cool and funny? yet lame at certain parts. but funny yes, and vulgar? HELL YEA! haha

after that kayla joan darren and myself rushhhhed to fetch stace from the airport. my dear cousin is back from aust! WELCOME BACK STACE. if you even get to read this haha(: durian craze begins! and finally catch up with all the long talks. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. so many more people have walked in my life, and stayed. some went out. others, im not sure whats going to happen? but yeah, seems to me its going to change

well i touch on this from jan's blog. i really think paes12 is different. people have changed. people are different. no doubt the closeness is still there, felt good talking to all of them again. specially after dinner, after ms giraffe supposedly left her bottle at subway. just walking down orchard, chatting with gwen, made my happy all inside. crapping with the old people!

guess this is cause its in direct contrast with whats been happening. reunion vs seperation. all my life, people have been entering my gate of life. and i try so hard to make them stay. each and everyone. but it seems, lately, i cant do that. people come and go. i feel like a hotelroom.

then there are those times, i felt really close, and then distant and close again. oh man, im confused! what do i want now? why cant you just stay constant! instead of trying to be different all the time. i want you the way you are. i want this i want that. i want something, i cant have.

in any case, think after all the exco postions was announced, was really the fuel to my flame of insecurities. jan ally and yuqi all have postions! not that i feel sad i didnt get a postion, but i just know its going to be different. cause of time, or maybe even cause of the new bonds made. i just know it, it'll change, its just a matter of time. pardon the pessimisticity (is that a word) or the negativity, you all know this isnt really me. but yeah, i just know it. i feel it. and im afraid, just so scared, that i may have to put behind what i held so dear again. i just wish wish wish things wouldnt change.

well, today overall, feel sufficiently off. so many things would not go my way today. happy things turned neutral. neutral to sad. i just wish wish wish people would remain the same. selfish of me to expect that? but heck, whats love but a catalyst for jealousy and self centredness. i just wish, there was a guide, a person, anything, i could follow, that can sort out all i feel now, just everything. i want someone to just come in, and take control. give me back that sense of confidence and accomplishment in myself that i used to have. pack up this messy hotelroom.

woosh, that was alot to say. really. but i mean, whats a blog if you dont just lay down everything. going to conference soon, and a htht. hopefully, it doesnt make me feel any worse, but at least i know i being there for someone or some people.

this hotelroom needs you. love, an elixir(:

ALLY HERE (:

2008-06-28T14:00:00.000+08:00

ohwells, it's ally here blogging for mervyn !
im glad it's up (:
just that mervyn is being a lazy bum and trying to make us blog hop to piece the puzzle together.
i miss blogger ! okay, this is random but ohwells (:

Cheers, Ally.

TEST

2008-06-22T23:51:00.000+08:00

i suppose every blog must start somewhere.

this just being a test so i can check out my new layout!

took me so bloody long to figure out.

no thanks to the new blogger design nonsense interfering with the coding.